Recognise lying not as a moral failing but as a coping mechanism, suggests Philippa Perry, and make it clear your intention is to understand and support your friend
Philippa PerrySun 20 Oct 2024 01.00 EDTLast modified on Sun 20 Oct 2024 12.46 EDTShareThe question I met my best mate 10 years ago and we’ve been sharing a house for five years. He’s great – funny, loyal, kind, enterprising – but, over the years, I’ve noticed he embellishes things, sometimes just to be funny, or to get sympathy. He’ll tell an anecdote and I’ll know things didn’t go the way he told it. Or he’ll say he’s got five projects on the go and I’ll know for a fact it’s just two. He’ll also pretend he doesn’t drink, eat meat or smoke, depending on who we’re with and, of course, I know he does all three.
Everyone exaggerates at some point, so it hasn’t worried me too much, but sometimes he’ll tell what I consider to be a more serious lie. In terms of housework, I do all the cleaning. I’ve brought up chore division a couple of times and he insists he does clean, he just does it while I’m out, so I don’t see it. I would know immediately if I came home and something had been cleaned, however sloppily.
The lying concerns me more than the unfair division of labour. I recently came back from being away with my girlfriend and my car had been moved and was full of sweet wrappers with a fuller tank than I left it with. He said he had to move it because there was a temporary no parking sign. I checked on the council website, there hadn’t been. I’m not an idiot. I don’t care about him borrowing my car, but I do care about being lied to. I told him I didn’t care, but he stuck to his guns. I don’t want to fall out, but I really dislike being told black is white. How should I talk to him about it?
Philippa’s answer Here’s the truth about people who lie: all children learn to enjoy lying as a game to start with, it must feel like a superpower to them (any parents reading this, maybe just play along or they’ll get better at it). But it gets ingrained as a habit when it evolves as a coping mechanism or a survival strategy. If they grow up in a punitive atmosphere, children lie to avoid punishment or criticism, to protect themselves from emotional pain, or to please authority figures. In these formative years, the lie becomes a tool to navigate a world where their true feelings and behaviours might not be fully accepted or understood. The seeds of adult lying are sown when a child feels their authentic self is in some way unacceptable or dangerous to reveal. This might happen in environments where there is a high level of control, where emotions are not openly expressed or validated, or where the child perceives that they can only earn love and approval by presenting a version of themselves that conforms to others’ expectations. As a result, lying becomes a way to manage the dissonance between who they are and who they feel they must be.
Perhaps he feels he isn’t enough as a person unless he exaggeratesThe childhood habit of lying often persists into adulthood. The lies may become more sophisticated, but the underlying purpose remains: to protect oneself, to maintain relationships and to manage the anxieties and fears that come from being vulnerable or exposed. The adult who lies frequently might not even be fully conscious of why they do it: the habit is so ingrained that it becomes a reflexive response to stress, discomfort or conflict. Some might even come to believe their own lies.
Sometimes we lie because that’s how we believe we can get the truth of our feelings understood. For example, your friend lies about how much work he has – maybe he doesn’t think he’ll get enough sympathy unless he lies. Or perhaps he feels he isn’t enough as a person unless he exaggerates what he feels to be a measure of his worth.
In situations like yours, I encourage a compassionate understanding of why people lie, recognising it not so much as a moral failing, but as a coping mechanism developed in response to difficult circumstances. If your goal is to preserve the relationship and help your friend, rather than simply pointing out their dishonesty, you are more likely to approach things with a helpful mindset. Avoid accusatory language. Instead of saying, “You’re always lying”, which could lead to defensiveness, you might say, “I’ve noticed a few times when things didn’t quite add up and I’m concerned because I value honesty in our relationship.” Or even, “I felt hurt to think you believe I couldn’t take the truth about the car.” Reassure him that you think he’s good enough without exaggeration and your relationship is strong enough to handle the truth.
People often lie because they fear judgment or rejection, so make it clear your intention is to understand and support them, rather than to shame them. You could even ask what happened to them if they got into trouble as a child. By understanding the underlying reasons for their behaviour, you can offer support in a way that might help them feel less inclined to lie in the future. If nothing changes and you reach your limit, you can always bail.
Recommended reading: Born Liars by Ian Leslie.
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